This sunrise photo was taken on the day I lost my father – 2/16/12.
This sunrise photo was taken today – 2/22/12.
Between those two photos my whole life has changed. My range of emotions have been all over the place. The pain is so incredible and even now I think I will surely wake up from this nightmare very soon.
It all can’t be…but it is.
Sadly it is.
Being with my father on the afternoon he died will forever be the most precious moment of my life. It was a blessing that the four of us were together. I will never forget the day, the exact moment or where we were. I will never forget the warmth of his hand in the morning and then the cold stillness in the afternoon. I will never forget placing my head on his chest to hear his breath on what I knew would be his last day. I prayed that God would end his suffering and then when it did happen, I prayed that He would take me too. My pain was unimaginable, no words can possibly describe it. But as I stopped to take a breath I saw I was not alone. My mother and my sister needed me. It was my sister that I grabbed into my arms first and then went to my mom. In my arms were all I had and I knew I needed to do something fast.
I notified my uncle and then the funeral home. Those were the two calls that needed to happen first. After I called my cousins, friends and work. It was all a blur from the moment he was gone until the funeral home took him away. Within that time the nurses fixed my dad into a perfect peaceful pose and placed rose petals over the white sheet that covered him. It was beautiful. I remember walking out of the hospital without him, knowing I would never return. Somehow I got the car and drove us home. With intermittent tears and a numbness I’d never felt. My world was different and I didn’t know who I was. I had lost my father and a big part of myself.
At home there was more crying and more phone calls of condolences. My aunt asked if we had eaten and insisted on bringing us food since they were coming to be with us. I agreed even though we had no desire to eat. When they got to our house, I realized how great it was to have them near. Especially my uncles because they are such a huge connection to my father. We hugged, we cried and eventually we ate. The food was comforting as we remembered stories about Dad. When they left, we went to sleep out of exhaustion and with the hopes that losing Dad was just a bad dream.
In the days that followed, we made funeral and burial arrangements, went shopping for black clothes, put together Dad’s collage, held the wake, funeral mass, I did the eulogy for my father and buried him. I’m sure I will write in detail about each of those events in the days to come. There are so many stories that touched my heart. In my darkest moments, I still feel blessed not only for having my mother and sister with me but also my extended family and some very dear friends.
